As the above words came out of my sister's mouth and 78 other pairs of eyes began staring at me, my 11-year old heart began pounding heavily out of fear. My mind was terrified to think of all the things that could go amiss and the myriad of ways that I could be teased and ridiculed. Leading would mean saying farewell to any chance at gaining anonymity or staying in the background. Singing or reading my poems (such an intimate part of my identity) would expose my heart that much more to any potential harassment that could come from even more bullies. Being in the limelight as a leader/singer/poet simply was not my idea of a good time.
I was afraid of not having a willing heart.
I was afraid of not having what it takes to make a start.
I was afraid of not having the 'chops' of a successful leader in my cart.
At that moment, the counsel of God's Word reached my mind:
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 34:4, NIV
Obediently, I took out my notebook and a pencil and started asking for ideas and suggestions from my classmates. I was shy at first but the longer I went at it the more confidence I gained.
In the days and weeks that followed, I was humbled (well, more like embarrassed) on multiple occasions as I went through the process of learning the ropes of leadership by trial and error. Yet, I was also encouraged by the response given by several of my classmates. Those who were more artistically inclined found that I had a lot in common with them; and so, we gradually became friends. The bullies in the back started treating me differently as if looking at me through new eyes.
All of that brought a wave of confidence. Still, every once in a while, I had nightmares of making a fool of myself. How would I ever be able to live it down?
When that Friday morning finally came, I was a mess. My stomach was in knots, my hands were sweating, and my heartbeat was going 90 miles a minute. I was certain that I would mispronounce words and embarrass myself before the whole school. I was afraid that any one of the components of our program could go terribly wrong and I would be the one to receive all the blame.
Yet, the chapel presentation went without a hitch. All the participants did what they were supposed to do and even went beyond the call of duty. Afterwards, I saw faces and shook hands that I never knew existed at that school. Everyone was so happy and impressed.
And I was grateful.
And I was assigned more leadership duties.
And I learned that this could only have happened because,
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13, NIV
Christ, my saving God, my great Deliverer, is the One who destroyed my sworn enemy. My fear, this cruel taskmaster, this tantalizing terror that once paralyzed me and restricted me to the back of the classroom and anonymity was buried under the sea of His loving mercy on my behalf. He provided a way for me to get out of the garbage dump of psychological paralysis and brought me to a place where I could experience absolute safety from every cause and kind of anxiety.
He is my Leader.
I am His follower.
We are journeying together.
Father, direct the eyes of this follower to see You fully. Guide me to look past my failures and help me to lean on Your strength in my weaknesses. Stir my heart with a renewed passion for You so I may offer my all to You every day, every hour, every moment -- for only You can make a way through the desert, the desolate places of my heart. I offer my parched, broken, and contrite heart to You. Be my sole vision as I seek to lead others, O Ruler of all!
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