The TV craze was over.
There was still the desire to lull my mind with entertainment but one thought of being locked out of my house was sufficient to keep me in check.
I began assuming a certain cockiness in my demeanor, thinking about my new self-control. I even congratulated myself of becoming quite godly, thank you very much!
Unfortunately, as Solomon the wise says,
"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."
Proverbs 16:18, NIV
My demise came in the early part of December of 1983 when a new bait was extended to my reach and, almost without thinking, I took a big bite.
I was hooked instantly!
Having always been an avid reader, I was not only on the lookout for new books to read but readily feasted my eyes on any material that was out in the open. At 9 years of age, I did not have the presence of mind to discern what was inappropriate literature for my mind, heart, and eyes, or even for my gender. So, I was completely unprepared to resist the alluring pull of what lay on my older sister's bed one afternoon -- a romance novel.
I had never seen one of those before. The cover page should have been enough to keep me away but, unfortunately, it acted as a magnetic field yanking my hand towards it. I held the book in my hand, read the title, devoured the image of the couple pictured on the cover, and felt as though my whole body was on fire. I determined right then and there that I simply had to read that book.
Had I only known what I was truly doing . . .
Had I only grasped what an unwise choice I was making . . .
Had I only stopped what I never should have been doing . . .
Had I only listened to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit warning me . . .
Had I only . . .
But, my story was different -- quite different!
I did not know.
I did not grasp.
I did not stop.
I did not listen.
I did, however, know enough to snatch the book away and not let my parents catch my reading it in broad daylight. I read it all very quickly in the privacy of my own little corner and realized that I wanted to read more such novels. Soon, I was reading eight or nine of them per week, completely neglecting to do homework or anything else that truly mattered.
It did not take long for this new reading diet to take its toll on my brain and behavior. I lost my appetite for the Word of God, preferring instead the cheap food of smut and fantasy. I lost all interest in age-appropriate entertainment and discussion, favoring a more grown-up version of my reality. I lost my sense of childhood. I lost my first love for God and what He deems good for me.
More surprising, yet, was the loss experienced by my very eyes. I lost the ability to see things as they truly were. I lost the biblical perspective that God established to guide me in the way I should have gone for His glory and purpose. I did not yield to His wise counsel which reads,
As a result, I began looking at the people around me with a romantic narrative going on in my brain. I began seeing normal activities as dates. I became aware of this burning desire inside my gut for that which is so rampant and cheap in romance novels. There was this awakening within me but it was completely misguided and lethal -- and that was merely the onset of all that took place in my life because I was not careful with my young, little eyes.
Father, teach me to be careful with my eyes. Set a guard over my eyes and guide me to fix them upon You. You are the beautiful One. You are the lovely One whom I adore. You are the destination of my journey. Help me to follow You all of my days!
Having always been an avid reader, I was not only on the lookout for new books to read but readily feasted my eyes on any material that was out in the open. At 9 years of age, I did not have the presence of mind to discern what was inappropriate literature for my mind, heart, and eyes, or even for my gender. So, I was completely unprepared to resist the alluring pull of what lay on my older sister's bed one afternoon -- a romance novel.
I had never seen one of those before. The cover page should have been enough to keep me away but, unfortunately, it acted as a magnetic field yanking my hand towards it. I held the book in my hand, read the title, devoured the image of the couple pictured on the cover, and felt as though my whole body was on fire. I determined right then and there that I simply had to read that book.
Had I only known what I was truly doing . . .
Had I only grasped what an unwise choice I was making . . .
Had I only stopped what I never should have been doing . . .
Had I only listened to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit warning me . . .
Had I only . . .
But, my story was different -- quite different!
I did not know.
I did not grasp.
I did not stop.
I did not listen.
I did, however, know enough to snatch the book away and not let my parents catch my reading it in broad daylight. I read it all very quickly in the privacy of my own little corner and realized that I wanted to read more such novels. Soon, I was reading eight or nine of them per week, completely neglecting to do homework or anything else that truly mattered.
It did not take long for this new reading diet to take its toll on my brain and behavior. I lost my appetite for the Word of God, preferring instead the cheap food of smut and fantasy. I lost all interest in age-appropriate entertainment and discussion, favoring a more grown-up version of my reality. I lost my sense of childhood. I lost my first love for God and what He deems good for me.
More surprising, yet, was the loss experienced by my very eyes. I lost the ability to see things as they truly were. I lost the biblical perspective that God established to guide me in the way I should have gone for His glory and purpose. I did not yield to His wise counsel which reads,
"Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires."
Song of Songs 2:7, NIV
Father, teach me to be careful with my eyes. Set a guard over my eyes and guide me to fix them upon You. You are the beautiful One. You are the lovely One whom I adore. You are the destination of my journey. Help me to follow You all of my days!
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