True Fasting (Part I)

Shortly before Fat Tuesday or Mardi-Gras in 1984, Manmie and Papi called a day of fasting for our family. As a young boy, I was unsure that I would be able to last the whole day -- the plan was to fast from dawn to dusk. We began with a time of singing and scripture reading followed by individual prayers. It was fun and special for the whole family as we sat there, worshipping our Lord together.

Then 8:00 am struck . . . and the first pang of hunger paid my stomach a visit.

Yikes! "This is going to be a long day," I thought.

Call it mother's intuition or mind reading but Manmie took one look at me and proceeded to pour me a glass of water. My tongue and throat heartily welcomed the fresh liquid; I drank and my stomach felt better. Nonetheless, as the family continued to pray and fast, my thoughts started drifting to other things.

I began thinking how dangerous it was to spend a whole day in total hunger. Could they not see that a poor 9-year old boy needed food? I was soon consumed with idle thoughts, failing to pray and neglecting to see the spiritual resources available to me.

I stopped paying attention.
I ceased praying altogether.
I clouded my mind with fun stories.
I entertained myself with more interesting matters.

An annoying sound interrupted my reverie -- it was the voice of Papi bringing me back to reality. He had just asked me to pray and I was too busy daydreaming to notice or acknowledge him. Worse yet, I did not have the faintest idea about the nature of the prayer request.

I mumbled a half-hearted prayer (if one could call it that), clipped it with a nonchalant amen, and looked up with a perturbed look as if to ask, "Satisfied?" The insolence of that moment still sends cold and remorseful shivers up my spine.

I suppose a number of things could have happened at that time. Yet, one thing that I do remember is that the focus of the day changed. I cannot even remember the original reason my parents provided for our fasting but, after my sour countenance made its appearance, Papi told Manmie that I could go eat something because I was not ready to fast.

I gladly went and ate whatever I could find while my family continued on their fast. After filling my stomach, I was at a loss for what to do. Now that I was no longer hungry, I could think clearly and understood that I had crossed the line with my siblings, with my loving parents, and with God. I soon felt lonely and miserable. From where I was, I could hear the resonant voices of my parents and siblings as they sang and prayed together. Their stomachs were empty and yet they were filled with a joy that was unmatched.

I wanted that joy.
I wanted to be in that room.
I wanted to take back my actions.
I wanted to really fast and pray again.

Could that be possible?

Father, I thank You for being at work on my behalf. So often, I am blinded by immediate crises and fail to realize that the One who is in me is stronger than he who is in the world. Too often, I forgo the discipline of prayer and fasting, preferring instead to indulge in chow time and gorging myself on cheap carryout that leaves me empty and lonely. Surprise me, dear Jesus, with Your generous plan of true fasting on this beautiful journey of faith. Amen.